What Kids Want That Money Can’t Buy (Guest Post)

I have asked a friend and parenting professional, Ruth Freeman (LCSW) , with the organization, Positive Parenting, to post on my blog as a guest blogger.  I was particularly interested in sharing her wisdom with you around this particular holiday season.   I might make different choices around interfaith parenting, though her story is really cute, and her wisdom about what gifts our children want and need is right on.

BY RUTH FREEMAN, LCSW :

My daughter had the benefit and challenge of growing up in a home with two different faith traditions. After seeing bits and pieces of Ken Burns’ “Civil War,” she decided at eight years old she wanted to be Jewish. Her logic was that I, her mom, grew up in the North and I was Jewish and we won the war. (Have to admit that I liked the association of my childhood faith with such success.) But when her dad, who grew up in the Deep South, pointed out it would mean no Christmas tree, Annie opted to remain bi-faithful for the time being.

 Two faith traditions meant many holiday traditions. She liked the candles, she liked the tree. She liked the stories we read, about Chanukah, Christmas and other holidays, every night of December. She liked the Solstice circle we often had on the shortest day of the year. She liked the Festival of Trees at Hartford’s lovely Antheneum. She liked our holiday practice of having one person in the family for whom each of us did acts of kindness through the month. She was a master at folding someone’s laundry when they weren’t looking and stealth deliveries of chocolate kisses on their pillow. She liked talking about miracles of all kinds.

 Yes, she liked the eight little gifts she received each night of Chanukah and the brightly colored packages on Christmas morning and the stocking that had her name embroidered by mom. But parents know that those gifts don’t have a long life in terms of delight, no matter how excellent we are as shoppers. We want to give them happiness, but often wonder just how to go about doing it.

 The Center for the New American dream conducted interviews with children on this very topic that fills parents’ minds at this time of year: What do kids really want that money can’t buy? Here is what the research tells us children want:

 

·         YOU – more than anything, your children want to spend enjoyable time with you. They want your positive, joyful attention free of distraction and electronics. The prime motivation behind most of children’s behavior is contact with their parents. Sadly, most parents respond much more enthusiastically and consistently to misbehavior than to the positive stuff. Giving kids enjoyable attention when they aren’t asking for it is magical. 

·         Time with the family – sharing stories and memories. Kids like when the family comes together in simple ways. Try to keep in mind that time together trumps complicated meals, special events and perfect settings.

·         Free time – unscheduled time for children is at more of a premium these days than ever. They need lots of down time during the holidays and always. Organized sports and enrichment activities are stealing the time of spacious dreaming, creativity and learning how to play well with others. Kids miss it.

·         More fun, less stuff – old fashioned play is regenerative and it can be a mood elevator. Electronic entertainment doesn’t provide the same benefits. Play charades, sit down and play “Uno” with your little ones, teach card games and run around outside with your kids. Shooting hoops on the driveway with dad and trying to beat him at “Mastermind” are among her favorite memories.

·         Spirituality – children want to understand how they are related to the larger universe and they actually express some desire to be connected to a “greater purpose.” Many have those big cosmic questions and want to hear your ideas about them. It is not necessary for you as parents to know the answers but find some ways to explore possibilities with your kids. Inquire about their thinking on these matters. Talk with your kids about your family’s beliefs and the beliefs of others. Visit the library and get age appropriate books about faith traditions, beliefs about how the world started and maybe visit other faith services and talk about these. What is the same and what is different about what we believe.




National Geographic Image

·         To make the world a better place – children know how to dream big and they want to make a difference. A surprising number of children have a wish to take on the world’s problems including war, poverty and racism. Families who find concrete ways to connect and share concern for others help children move toward compassion and sometimes even courage. These kinds of giving activities help children discover the relative importance of material things.

·         Acceptance and respect – The Center for the New American dream emphasizes that kids “yearn for authentic feelings of connection, recognition and power. They want self-respect and self-acceptance. They want to feel happy with themselves. I often remind parents that perhaps our most important job is raising children with strong self-worth – that is positive thoughts and feelings about themselves. The way we treat children in everyday life and the way we treat ourselves are the foundations of that important self-worth. Learning about who your child is, their natural gifts and talents, their challenges and preferences and their imperfections – accepting and respecting all of those in them and in yourself is perhaps the sweetest gift you have to offer at the holidays and throughout the year.

"The Unbearable Light-ness of Being"

My daughter and I find a certain degree of pleasure in this time of year if we take care to avoid malls and shopping outlets to a significant extent. We both often comment on the tasteful Christmas decorations in our neighborhood and beyond and feel the anticipation and excitement of our Christian friends and acquaintances as the days of December rumble toward the 25th. At the same time, I appreciate my daughter's impulse to rummage around the house re-discovering the accoutrements associated with our very own Festival of Lights or Chanukah! Over the years we have accumulated a small collection of Chanukiot (Chanukah menorahs) and dreidels mostly as gifts; we even love the very inexpensive ones we purchased in Jerusalem during our sabbatical several years ago.


Purchased in a Jerusalem drugstore (~$5)

One image from that period has remained lightly perched in my mind’s eye.  It plays a bit like a cinematic moment, the camera strolling along Emek Rifa'im (the main boulevard in the neighborhood where we lived) at night capturing the gloriously illuminated window fronts and then stopping abruptly at a decadently laden bakery front with layers and layers of soufganiyot (jelly donuts in Hebrew). A waitress is lifting one tray and easing away from the window to the interior of the dining area as my family stands on the other side of the window agog at the spectacle before us!  I cannot recall that we went in to purchase any of those wonderful sweets but I am filled with a child’s delight at the memory of that miraculous site!!

Note:  In Israel and in some communities in North America, soufganiyot, like potato latkes, are eaten as a symbolically oily food.  In this way we remember the miracle of the oil associated with the Chanukah story.

Giving Thanks for Boundless Gifts

I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude lately.  With the interminable election season behind us and the challenges left in the wake of Sandy, you can easily feel humbled and quieted.  This week also brought to our family and close-knit community the loss of a dear dear friend, Marian Wolf and pillar of our local community.  Her life was built around her generosity to the people whose lives she touched; and there are so many.  I am quieted and humbled but also saddened by this loss in particular.  But then there is the gratitude.  How fortunate to have had our lives intersect, to have witnessed the love and joy she radiated for her 2 sons and more recently her daughter-in-law, to have sat many times at her overflowing, scrumptious, festive table to share her intricate homemade delicacies and superior baked desserts as well as intellectual and social conversations, to have had the door to her home always open to me (and others) for book clubs, recipes, knitting, July Fourth picnics or even to share the 2004 presidential debates on her large-screen television with our exchange student from Germany, and to learn the secrets of Trader Joe’s ‘Three Buck Chuck’ and chocolate-covered anything!! I am quieted and humbled and filled with gratitude for someone who has so fully touched my life.  Having left Sukkot behind with the fallen leaves and warmer temperatures, I carry Marian's gifts moving forward towards a season of giving thanks. 

Source: Google Image

 

"Need As An Opportunity to Make a Difference"

As the waters from the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy begin to recede, tree limbs and debris are cleared from roadways and property, and as press conferences with governors and power company executives become less frequent, the nation is witnessing the enormous toll that Sandy has left upon the shores of the mid-Atlantic and Southern New England States.  An unprecedented weather event they are saying!  The cost in lives and damage and dollars has yet to be determined.  One thing that is certain is that there is and will continue to be much need.  It is Paul Newman who famously is referenced as viewing need as an opportunity to make a difference.  It is also, as it turns out, a Jewish imperative; that is to make a difference in the world.  Further, our tradition tells us to engage in tikkun olam, repairing the world; to be a link in the chain that will make a difference.  Sandy has handed us this opportunity among so many others.  We have an obligation not to turn away.  Our children are watching, our children are learning. 



Here are some places that you may wish to begin.  Jewish Federations of North America Hurricane Sandy Relief Fund; Other Organizations , this includes giving blood as many blood drives in the affected region have been cancelled.  Ordinarily I would suggest the American Jewish World Service but their offices are in NYC and they may be in need of assistance too.  As more information becomes available and relief efforts continue, older children (tweens and teens) may wish to initiate drives to collect items that may be needed in shelters and on the ground (toiletries, blankets, clothing).  Younger children can be engaged in writing thank you notes or sending drawings to first responders in affected areas.  Such notes can only help relieve some of the strain that these individuals are under.

Jewish Jammin' for Kids - Part I


In the late '90's, we lived in the Toronto suburbs for a couple of years after our daughter was born.  To this small town girl, North York, Ontario felt like a huge Jewish shtetl (Jewish village of Eastern Europe), not to mention the large Iranian and Asia populations settled there as well!  Among the many interesting people that we met there (and there were MANY!), were Judy Adelman Gershon and David Gershon.  We first encountered this lovely young family checking into our rooms for a weekend retreat with all the accoutrements that come with babies!  Our little ones seemed an immediate connection and David approached us and asked me if I had attended Brandeis University, as Judy laughed and warned that he says that to everyone!  Well in this case we had both attended Brandeis during the same years and remembered each other from then!  That weekend we learned why this couple, with guitars and tambourines, were really the hit of the party!!  Judy and David, as this team is professionally called, were, at that time, just launching what was to become a highly successful career in the entertainment world.  They had just been awarded the 1998 Juno award for children’s album of the year, ‘Livin’ in a Shoe’.  This is the equivalent to a Grammy in the USA!  Needless to say, our short two years in Toronto, were greatly enhanced by our friendship with such interesting, funny, and creative people.  But what about their astounding music?  Their music is smart, witty, and tuneful.  They exploit a variety of genres including Jazz, Rap, Hip Hop and Calypso and and tell stories with energy and verve to enrapture your children and make you smile and even
laugh!!! 


The Covers of our CDs have faded from the years spent sitting in the car while we listened!

For a specifically Jewish flavor, their Rock N Roll Matzah Ball CD is a particularly delicious place to start.  Buckle your seat belts and enjoy the ride.  Some of my other personal favorites include BeanStock (their hilarious spin of Jack in the Beanstock) and Livin' In a Shoe (look for more recent recordings at this website as well).  Much of their music is appropriate listening for babies to grade school children and perhaps beyond. It's fresh music and it's pure fun!!!

 

Pushing the PAUSE BUTTON!

After our Rosh Hashanah dinner guests had left us a few weeks ago, my daughter and husband retreated to our "music room".  Our daughter, who is 15, picked up the ukulele and started strumming and singing a favorite tune we used to sing when she was younger. I was in the next room finishing up dishes and feeling great joy as I listened in and sang along! Then just last week on Shemini Atzeret, came another bout of musical jamming followed by impromptu dancing around the house to a Mozart concerto. These spontaneous moments of joyful outbursts from our teen are pleasant expressions of our daughter's expansion into the space and time we and our Jewish tradition have provided her.  Our way of honoring Shabbat provides a weekly opportunity to enter this place. 

We have always set aside what for us is holy time wherever the space/place may be where we refrain from "Doing" or "Making" but where we just "Be", some might call it unplugged time.  It is space-time in which we can simply appreciate the gifts in our lives and in our world.  When our daughter was younger this appreciation often took the form of pretend play (how magical is a child’s imagination), stories, walks (even the stones and worms are miraculous and amazing), sledding and snow play, puzzles – Legos – word games, and so much more.  We remained unplugged for the entirety of Shabbat (or whatever holiday). 

As she has grown into her teen years she has the reference point that we provided for her and that she carries into a somewhat more independent practice.  She remains unplugged from her computer, Facebook, text-messaging though may decide that watching a movie is within the bounds of her Shabbat experience.  Often on Shabbat, behind closed doors, she reads the pile of books from the library that clamor for her attention during the week, trying to compete with practices and homework.  More rarely we sing or play games together enjoying each other’s company. Teens need this unplugged time to rejuvenate, to imagine, to wonder, to decompress so that they can more fully and wholly confront the expectations of their busy young lives.  


Creative Daughter's Artsy Phartsy Photo

Nurturing this practice and, might I suggest, ability in your child is a gift for their long-term physical and emotional health.


 

Homework Blues for Jews

My daughter went to a Montessori school for 9 years and then homeschooled for 2 prior to enrolling in a public High School where she currently studies. Needless to say, homework really had never been a part of our lives before. What has been fascinating to witness is how enormous the work load grows to be very early on in the academic year and watching her negotiate that work along with her other activities. It is truly a learning process ...The Jewish spin on this issue is negotiating all of the fall holidays around this burdensome work load given that these days are regular school days in these parts. I have witnessed too many worries the night before returning to school to take this issue lightly. We, in this household, are sympathetic and distressed.  It is important to report that my daughter observes not only the High Holy days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, but also the festivals of Sukkot, Simchat Torah and Shemini Atzeret and therefore takes the first and last days of that 8-day period off as holy days.  As such these days are ones in which we attend synagogue services, or commune in nature, and remain in the world of celebration or observance where our daily work is forbidden. Our family is truly in respite and rejuvenation time.

Our Sukkah has hosted guests, meals, games, music, reading and homework!

Thus the homework remains untouched until after Havdalah, the time of separating from the holy and returning to the every day.  There is no simple answer to dealing with the challenges of completing homework following absences but it requires special attention to prioritizing and accepting that some things will fall through the cracks and that the world continues to revolve.  This acceptance should be empowering yet goes against the grain of being an achiever and maintaining a high GPA.  (I recommend reading Wendy Mogel's "Blessings of a B Minus" for more insights.)  I cringe writing this because I was a student who put a lot of stock in my high grades as does my daughter.  Achieving a healthy balance is the key and the observance of holidays is one way that we might begin to confront our obsessive work ethic and help guide our children to healthier ways of being in the world.  You can substitute “my work” for “homework” in this post and uncover how you might manage your time off and your time on.  Related to this post, I will blog about how our family has embraced unplugged time in the context of our liberal Jewish observance.

STORMY WEATHER AND CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

So I was preparing a post reflecting on how our family has managed to instill a sense of unplugged time and space with our teen daughter, a post I am excited to share and extend, however things happen…

Last night after I set a few ideas on paper for such posts, our severe weather became even more furious with wind and rain threatening our windows and nearby trees!  Transformer POP , darkness …electricity gone… a situation not unfamiliar to our family and thousands of others in the Northeast!   Our previous experience with power outages left us in the dark and without electrical power for 8 days (a typical festival duration!).  So immediately following our lovely unplugged Rosh Hashanah holiday celebration, here was unplugged time imposed on our family exactly when the urgency of returning to the chol (the everyday ) hits hard.  We need ( crave?) “ plugged in”.  I needn’t enumerate the ways!

My irritation began to boil over as soon as I began to prepare lunch and food for my daughter’s school day and beyond as she participates in varsity sports and needs energy to propel her through her day. It was still so dark and I had to open the refrigerator and who knows how many days this would last and... This was my whine time and I was going to use it wisely or not. I was grateful for whoever would listen (like Clyde, our cat). 

Preparing food for my family is one of my favorite ways to nurture and this was feeling like a tremendous imposition.   Though I am a big proponent of choosing when to unplug as part of one’s Jewish, parenting, and Jewish parenting practice, the spiritual quality of this life approach is lost when you ‘ Lose Power’ !

It's Time to WAKE UP (and hear the Shofar)!!

So early this morning I out was out for my jog having determined which route I would run today and about 15 minutes in I 'missed' the turn up a quieter street that I had planned. It was probably that incessant conversation going on in my head worrying about and planning for this and that. I chuckled as it is a pretty funny thing to do when you are out running...forgetting to turn!



I began thinking of this little error metaphorically as we are now running towards the High Holiday season. Yes, I can and do think about all kinds of things when I am running!  How simple it is to get lost in head rambles and conversations and not pay attention; after all the sound of the Shofar, the ram’s horn blown on Rosh Hashanah, is supposed to be our wake up call to be attentive in how we live our lives.  However as I am thinking these thoughts, the next call that I hear is a group of middle school students on their way to school with a string of expletives – long ones – short ones– long ones …tikiah … – blasting from their mouths. 



OK so I am awake at this point conversing with myself about how unacceptable such language is and what, as an adult I am to do about this.  As I pass them by, I ask them to watch their mouths and surprisingly receive a sincere apology in return!  It was a magical moment for me... Until the point, 10 minutes later, when I was not paying attention again and almost got hit by a car as I am running across the street (no cross-walk in sight)!!!

My challenge to and wish for all of us is to learn to sustain our sense of awareness in the world whether in our parenting (family and village parenting!!), work relationships, community or wider world.  Please share your own thoughts and strategies for addressing this.

 

One interpretation of the sounds of the Shofar:

Tekiah - one long, straight blast                       WHOLENESS
Shevarim - three medium, wailing sounds        BROKENESS
Teruah - 9 quick blasts in short succession       SHATTERDNESS

These are things we all feel at different times in our lives.  But at this time of the year, after experiencing pain, mistakes, loss, illness, failure, weakness, we are reminded that we can find wholeness again.
                                                                                                                                                                                             

The Crunch of a Freshly Picked Apple, the Delight of a Child

Yesterday was our kick-off event for J-Kids of Northeast Connecticut.  Threatening clouds in the morning and torrential rain the day before in no way subdued enthusiasm for apple-picking at a bucolic orchard nearby.  The exhileration reminded me of our ritual autumn pilgrimages to our own orchard on the farm that I grew up on in upstate New York where my brothers would climb trees and toss apples down to me.  This time it was much younger hands reaching for low-lying McIntoshes to toss in their own bags.  The speed with which these youngsters filled their bags surprised me and we were done picking nearly 20 pounds of apples in no time! 







Lists of favorite things to do with apples soon enveloped our space : just eat 'em, apple crisp, apple cake, apple pie, dipped in honey!  We settled onto a nearby blanket to dip apple slices in honey and explore the tastes of the different kinds of honey brought along to help us prepare for the upcoming Rosh Hashanah holiday.  My puppet friend, Yanshuf (Hebrew for 'owl') and I lead a "rousing" rendition of an Apples and Honey song wishing each other a sweet and good New Year!  The clear late afternoon sky, the shade of nearby fruit trees, and the warmth of the sun were superb catalysts for young families connecting and reconnecting.  Surely the sweetness of the coming year has begun in earnest! 

Shanah Tovah!!
 

Recipe: Greek Apple Cake (thanks Sue S.) who says that it is also known as Jewish Apple Cake - Go Figure!  All I know is that it is absolutely delish...

Greek or Perhaps Jewish Apple Cake!!

5 McIntosh or Cortland Apples
1/2 C sugar
1-1/2 tsp cinnamon

Pare apples and coat with cinnamon.
__________
3 C flour                                              1  C veg oil
2 C sugar                                             1/3 C orange juice                              
1 tsp baking soda                                2 tsp vanilla
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
4 beaten eggs

Blend in electric mixer on low speed and then on medium for 4 minutes. Grease a 10 inch tube pan.  Fill with layers of batter and apples: Batter –Apples-Batter-Apples-Batter.  Bake at 350° for 1 ¼ to 1 ½ hours.

So what is this thing about honey on Rosh Hashanah anyhow?

Recently I was in our local Whole Foods store thinking I would pick up some of their bulk honey when I ventured a little further around the corner and discovered oodles and oodles of jars containing different honey varieties – honey from clover, from raspberry flowers, from blueberry blossoms and on and on … what I triumph I thought!!  How fun will it be to taste all of these varieties with my pre-school children and their family this week when we go apple-picking!  So, why my exuberance?  Why is honey so central to a Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year, lit. head of the year) celebration?   Well for sure it is sweet and symbolizes our desire for a sweet New Year,  In fact on Rosh Hashanah, it is traditional to dip an apple slice or a piece of the egg bread, Challah, in some honey and recite:

“May it be Your will to renew us for a year that is good and sweet.”

So why not sugar or chocolate or ginger snaps or …?  My guess is that honey traditionally refers to honey extracted from dates, a prevalent, Biblical, and indigenous food in the Land of Israel.  Therefore, we can imagine that date honey has a certain elevated status.  When Jews in the Diaspora were wishing to eat customary food, they found it necessary to substitute another desirous sweet honey, bee honey!!

May yours be a sweet and fulfilling New Year!

Try this recipe for an astounding and unusual Ashkenazi (Jews from Eastern Europe) sweet for Rosh Hashanah: Teiglach!!!  My mother would actually make them and send them to me when I was in college, such a dedicated parent!!