What Kids Want That Money Can’t Buy (Guest Post)

I have asked a friend and parenting professional, Ruth Freeman (LCSW) , with the organization, Positive Parenting, to post on my blog as a guest blogger.  I was particularly interested in sharing her wisdom with you around this particular holiday season.   I might make different choices around interfaith parenting, though her story is really cute, and her wisdom about what gifts our children want and need is right on.

BY RUTH FREEMAN, LCSW :

My daughter had the benefit and challenge of growing up in a home with two different faith traditions. After seeing bits and pieces of Ken Burns’ “Civil War,” she decided at eight years old she wanted to be Jewish. Her logic was that I, her mom, grew up in the North and I was Jewish and we won the war. (Have to admit that I liked the association of my childhood faith with such success.) But when her dad, who grew up in the Deep South, pointed out it would mean no Christmas tree, Annie opted to remain bi-faithful for the time being.

 Two faith traditions meant many holiday traditions. She liked the candles, she liked the tree. She liked the stories we read, about Chanukah, Christmas and other holidays, every night of December. She liked the Solstice circle we often had on the shortest day of the year. She liked the Festival of Trees at Hartford’s lovely Antheneum. She liked our holiday practice of having one person in the family for whom each of us did acts of kindness through the month. She was a master at folding someone’s laundry when they weren’t looking and stealth deliveries of chocolate kisses on their pillow. She liked talking about miracles of all kinds.

 Yes, she liked the eight little gifts she received each night of Chanukah and the brightly colored packages on Christmas morning and the stocking that had her name embroidered by mom. But parents know that those gifts don’t have a long life in terms of delight, no matter how excellent we are as shoppers. We want to give them happiness, but often wonder just how to go about doing it.

 The Center for the New American dream conducted interviews with children on this very topic that fills parents’ minds at this time of year: What do kids really want that money can’t buy? Here is what the research tells us children want:

 

·         YOU – more than anything, your children want to spend enjoyable time with you. They want your positive, joyful attention free of distraction and electronics. The prime motivation behind most of children’s behavior is contact with their parents. Sadly, most parents respond much more enthusiastically and consistently to misbehavior than to the positive stuff. Giving kids enjoyable attention when they aren’t asking for it is magical. 

·         Time with the family – sharing stories and memories. Kids like when the family comes together in simple ways. Try to keep in mind that time together trumps complicated meals, special events and perfect settings.

·         Free time – unscheduled time for children is at more of a premium these days than ever. They need lots of down time during the holidays and always. Organized sports and enrichment activities are stealing the time of spacious dreaming, creativity and learning how to play well with others. Kids miss it.

·         More fun, less stuff – old fashioned play is regenerative and it can be a mood elevator. Electronic entertainment doesn’t provide the same benefits. Play charades, sit down and play “Uno” with your little ones, teach card games and run around outside with your kids. Shooting hoops on the driveway with dad and trying to beat him at “Mastermind” are among her favorite memories.

·         Spirituality – children want to understand how they are related to the larger universe and they actually express some desire to be connected to a “greater purpose.” Many have those big cosmic questions and want to hear your ideas about them. It is not necessary for you as parents to know the answers but find some ways to explore possibilities with your kids. Inquire about their thinking on these matters. Talk with your kids about your family’s beliefs and the beliefs of others. Visit the library and get age appropriate books about faith traditions, beliefs about how the world started and maybe visit other faith services and talk about these. What is the same and what is different about what we believe.




National Geographic Image

·         To make the world a better place – children know how to dream big and they want to make a difference. A surprising number of children have a wish to take on the world’s problems including war, poverty and racism. Families who find concrete ways to connect and share concern for others help children move toward compassion and sometimes even courage. These kinds of giving activities help children discover the relative importance of material things.

·         Acceptance and respect – The Center for the New American dream emphasizes that kids “yearn for authentic feelings of connection, recognition and power. They want self-respect and self-acceptance. They want to feel happy with themselves. I often remind parents that perhaps our most important job is raising children with strong self-worth – that is positive thoughts and feelings about themselves. The way we treat children in everyday life and the way we treat ourselves are the foundations of that important self-worth. Learning about who your child is, their natural gifts and talents, their challenges and preferences and their imperfections – accepting and respecting all of those in them and in yourself is perhaps the sweetest gift you have to offer at the holidays and throughout the year.

"The Unbearable Light-ness of Being"

My daughter and I find a certain degree of pleasure in this time of year if we take care to avoid malls and shopping outlets to a significant extent. We both often comment on the tasteful Christmas decorations in our neighborhood and beyond and feel the anticipation and excitement of our Christian friends and acquaintances as the days of December rumble toward the 25th. At the same time, I appreciate my daughter's impulse to rummage around the house re-discovering the accoutrements associated with our very own Festival of Lights or Chanukah! Over the years we have accumulated a small collection of Chanukiot (Chanukah menorahs) and dreidels mostly as gifts; we even love the very inexpensive ones we purchased in Jerusalem during our sabbatical several years ago.


Purchased in a Jerusalem drugstore (~$5)

One image from that period has remained lightly perched in my mind’s eye.  It plays a bit like a cinematic moment, the camera strolling along Emek Rifa'im (the main boulevard in the neighborhood where we lived) at night capturing the gloriously illuminated window fronts and then stopping abruptly at a decadently laden bakery front with layers and layers of soufganiyot (jelly donuts in Hebrew). A waitress is lifting one tray and easing away from the window to the interior of the dining area as my family stands on the other side of the window agog at the spectacle before us!  I cannot recall that we went in to purchase any of those wonderful sweets but I am filled with a child’s delight at the memory of that miraculous site!!

Note:  In Israel and in some communities in North America, soufganiyot, like potato latkes, are eaten as a symbolically oily food.  In this way we remember the miracle of the oil associated with the Chanukah story.